Once again
by Nike FujiTaka
Summary: 2x09.Neal thoughts after Peter entered in the room and Diana handcuffed him.I wrote this before the ep aired,so something is different


**Pairing:** no one  
><strong>Warnings:<strong> one shot  
><strong>Betareader:<strong> desirer91 (she's an angel )  
><strong>Disclaimer: <strong>I don't own nothing. All is Jeff Eastin's and USA Network's property.  
><strong>Note:<strong> I wrote this oneshot before the episode was aired, just after looked the pic where Diana handcuffs Neal. So, it's a bit AU but there're almost only Neal's feelings about the situation...

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><p>He had betrayed Peter; he had betrayed his trust, once again.<p>

Once again, he had done it his way.

Once again, he had followed his instinct.

Once again he had followed his heart, a heart asking for revenge.

Revenge for having seen Kate being taken away from him when he had her at a hair's breadth, once again. For the last time.

Once again he had seen that look in Peter's eyes. That look, the worst of all.

Worse than the peeved look he was given upon entering his house or flirting with some women.

Worse than the "I'm in charge and you have to do exactly what I tell you to" look he kept for him every time he tried to convince him about something.

Worse than the angry look he had when he let the girl involved in the case of the elephant of jade escape.

Worse than the afflicted look he had in that damned hangar that ruined all his plans and saved his life.

Even worse than the pained look he had a few days ago when he risked his life, when he risked witnessing his conman heart getting devastated again. Because he was sure that if Peter died too, he wouldn't be able to recover from losing the two most important people in his life.

That look that might be filled with a little anger, but above all was filled with _disappointment _and he couldn't stand looking at it.

He knew he had been wrong and it wasn't the handcuffs Diana had put on him that reminded him of that. It was that look. The look Peter had when he entered that room and stopped him, preventing him from killing Fowler.

Since he set foot in that room he repeatedly told him how disappointed he was with his eyes only. Surprised, angry, sorry, resigned, sure, but still disappointed.

_"No more secrets"_, he himself had said, but instead didn't warn him. He took the gun and ran to Fowler.

He had betrayed him, once again.

But he had to know why that bastard killed Kate. He couldn't go on without knowing why he had taken away from him his only chance at happiness, at having a family. Peter couldn't understand. He had Elizabeth, he got to marry her. He hadn't regrets in his life, even without an office towering the city and the Bureau's coffee's taste barely close to the rich aroma he could have tasted if he hadn't joined the FBI. He was happy about his life and the people he met. Peter couldn't understand what dreaming of Heaven and couldn't reach it only because someone took the woman of your life away from you just to get an _amber box _meant_._

He had to go to Fowler, he had to do what he did. And so why couldn't he keep his head high and proud, sure that what he did was the only necessary thing? Why was he feeling bad for what he was reading in his eyes? Why was the idea alone of having betrayed him bringing him to the brink of tears and leaving him with the sole "sorry" word in his mouth, even if he knew it was useless?

He was already on a four year sentence for having escaped from a maximum-security prison. Now that he had tried to kill a former fed, the only sun he would probably have the chance to see for the rest of his life was be the one of his air-hour. Nevertheless he didn't think about that. He didn't care, a life without Kate was already a prison. But now Peter became part of his existence too, a very important part. A part that placed his trust on him and, most of all, proved to care about him as much as only a few people did. And now that he betrayed him, he didn't know if he would ever have his forgiveness and this was already the worst conviction he could have.

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><p>Diana was about to take him away, when he asked her to wait for a moment, speaking for the first time since Peter had grabbed the gun from him.<p>

"Peter", he called, turning towards him even if he couldn't meet his eyes yet. And then he stopped, taken by a deja vù he knew the reason of. Like a few months before, now he couldn't said those few, important words he wanted to tell him.

"We'll talk later", the fed sighed, interrupting his internal struggle.

Neal barely nodded, then let Diana guide him outside the room. Perhaps it was better this way, at least he had avoided saying something stupid that would have made him angrier, at least he had time to think.


End file.
